it is the best of times and the worst of times-help for depression

This holiday season is the best of times for many people, bringing together friends and family to celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah. There is good food, good conversation and lots of love.... but this season may also be the worst of times for those who are not able to celebrate with their friends or family because of losses or estrangements. Holidays frequently being out the best and the worst of people. Maybe your family gets together and old wounds are opened, maybe you did not have the money for the gifts you wanted to give, Maybe there is an empty seat at your table from a loss.
What can you do about all these things? How can you cope then there is loss or disappointment?
Lets start with the gifts.....The people who love you don't care about the price of the gift they are receiving.... are you kind? are you loving? These qualities are worth much more than any gift.
Is there an empty seat at your table this holiday season? Honor that person today with your loving thoughts, maybe light a candle for them. They are always with you in your heart.
Maybe you don't celebrate the holidays... do your friends? The most giving thing you can do is allow them their holiday and take these days for self reflection...maybe a hike if you can... Are you alone during the holidays? Ask a friend if you can share the holiday with them... its OK to ask... But most important.. if you are feeling down, sad, depressed... reach out... always reach out and breathe the deep, deep breath of this glorious life.

help for depression-knowing who to trust

Sometimes we make mistakes in knowing who to trust. Sometimes a person who we thought we could trust makes a mistake in judgement and we lose our faith in them. Did this ever happen to you? Many people in my practice come to me because they feel they cannot trust anyone. They have GLOBALISED their feelings of mistrust to everyone around them. This can be quite distressing and can lead to a sense of alienation and and even depression.

The truth is that we all are human and at one time or another we disappoint someone or someone disappoints us. Does that mean we lose all trust in humanity?

Giving a person a second chance can be a compassionate thing to be for both you and the other person. Once we truly recognize we are all flawed and we are STILL OK we can begin to forgive the other person and forgive ourselves. and as we do this we can take a deep slow breath, close our eyes and feel just a bit lighter, with the load of the disappointment off our shoulders. Try this next time you get disappointed with someone and tell me you how this worked

depression help- ask for what you need!

How many times have you wanted to pick up the phone to talk to a loved one but you "didn't want to bother them". I have heard many clients say this to me over the years. How many times have you consistently not gotten what you want from a relationship? This is a common theme for many people as well. When I ask someone if they have directly asked for what they want in a relationship, they will say NO! It is not surprising that they are not getting what they want. The truth is that even if someone tells you they are psychic they don't know what you need- you have the obligation to share this information with them.
What often happens is that someone does not get what they need because they never told the person what those needs are and then - they are angry at them. It is a vicious cycle but you have the power to end it. All you have to do is be honest with someone, in a loving and compassionate way. They will thank you for doing this. And if they don't... well this is a risk and our lives are full of emotional risks... at least we asked. Try this and tell me if it works.

sometimes we can't see what is right in front of us-help for depression

I opened my frig the other day for some creamer for my morning coffee. I looked through the frig and it was nowhere to be found. I thought I had bought some but, well, maybe I forgot. Well... later on in the day, after I had bought some I opened my frig and there it was, the creamer, right in front of me. I laughed at myself at another example of how we sometimes don't see what is right in front of us!
Then..... I started thinking about this happens so often in our lives. My clients often tell me stories that I replay for them, often reframing what they said in a different vantage point. It is often during the reframing their eyes open and they say, "WOW- I never looked at it like that". Sometimes it takes another person to help us see things more clearly. Sometimes the truth is SO in front of us we are blind to it.... maybe we are so used to NOT seeing the truth, not seeing reality as it is.
Sometimes we are afraid to see the truth so even if it right in front of us we can't see it. But.... if we don't see what is really going on- You Can Never Move Forward and Heal.....Please don't be afraid to ask for help to clarify what is really going on.

help for depression- post thanksgiving

Sometimes the days after holidays can feel depressing for some people. Maybe there was conflict at the holiday table, maybe someone drank too much, maybe you ate too much....When we get together for big events it is common to feel excitement and apprehension. Maybe you saw someone you hadn't seen in a long time... Maybe there was someone very important who was not at your table because they died during the year... Well this time of the year can be sad and it can also be a time to look back at this past year and think about what you have accomplished, what you want to continue doing, what would you like to improve on and what can you be grateful for.

This has been a very difficult year for many people. You may have seen loved ones lose alot of money, lose their homes, their jobs.... There have been many, many challenges. But you are still here with the opportunity, today, to continue trying, to continue loving and caring to be open to all possibilities. Today is the perfect time for you to breathe the fresh cool air of a late fall day in Marin. Why don't you try it now. Take a deep whole breathe, hold it and breathe out fully. You can start anew today with this breath.

anxious?

I was thinking as I was running on my favorite trail this lovely, crisp fall day about the trouble we can get into if all we do is focus on our goals and not on the process we take to complete our goals. Sometimes, when you are so focused on getting something done you can forget about all the wonder that is around you while you are getting it done! And this can create so much anxiety for you. Being able to have a deep focus is a wonderful gift and something you can use your whole life-but.... focus should only be a signpost not the trail itself! There is always much more on the trail of life than your goal and focus. Once you stop and look around you will see what there is- a smile of a little child, the smell of a flower, the breeze of coming storm, the touch of your beloved-
Happy holidays and talk to you next week

depression help

What is your philosophy about life? Have you ever thought about this? As I was running on this lovely, sunny day I was thinking about how our philosophies about our lives are usually directly related to religion or spirituality of our childhood. You may not have been told by your parents or your community "This is our philosophy" but most likely you were shown through their actions. When you were young did you see kindness and generosity in your life? Did you see greed? If you saw kindness in your life you most likely grew up with a philosophy that being kind was a positive and important thing. If you were shown greed when you were young , most likely you grew up thinking that "getting one over" on someone was the way to go. The problem is that we did not have a choice as children.

Now, in our lives as adults we can examine our philosophies and understand that we have choices now. We don't have to feel everyone is out to get us or the world isn't fair and we will never get our needs met. We can discover for ourselves who we want to be and start now to grow into our authentic selves. And as we do this we heal and as we heal, depression can lift-move out of our lives.

continued.....stepping on poop...

Many people have mentioned my blog on "stepping on poop" so I thought I might talk more about this! All of us, at some time in our lives, have metaphorically "stepped in poop". What I mean is we have all had painful, sad, upsetting things happen to us in our lives. This is a given. So now that we know this happens we can think about how we want to react and respond to these events.

When I began graduate school I was secretly hoping that I would learn that the way we see ourselves, our lives and others does not relate back to our childhood..

It just seemed like it would easier to heal and change since, for many of us, our childhood is long ago.... But in the ten years that I have been working with clients it is so clear that it really does start in our childhood. That is where we learn how to react to stress, pain and sadness. This is where we develop our sense of self and sense of worth in this world. So.... if you want to change the way you react to "stepping in poop" look at the story you carry about this from your childhood... but don't dwell there.... bring it into the present to find what is true and what is not. You DON"T have to react to stress like you mother or father. This is NOT your truth. When you find your truth, your authenticity, you will be able to survive and be present in this wonderful moment, even if you have poop on your shoe.

it is what it is, or is it?

A friend of mine likes to say, "it is what it is" and I never quite got what that meant. Many people say this expression. In fact, it was listed on an internet survey as one of the top ten expressions that irritate people- I'm not alone!
What exactly does it mean anyway? Does it mean that one is resigned to things the way they are? Now there are some things that are the way they are- like one's height- and even this changes as we age. But when I hear people saying this it seems to sound like a resignation of some kind. Do we really want to give up? Now I know my clients are not a random sample of people but I can say that everyone I have ever seen in my work as a therapist sat across from me because- in spite of really wanting to give up- they don't- by being in my office they are saying- it is NOT what it is- I want to make changes! We humans want to grow, change, heal and love. Even when there is seemingly no hope. We can change the way we see ourselves, we can change the way we see others, we can change our expectations and our dreams and hopes.... it does not have to be "what it is"..

I am alive(still) and so are you!

How many times have you thought about things you wished you would have done differently? How often do you look at friends, relatives or neighbors and wish you had what they had? Regrets, Envy- these can be powerful ways to make ourselves feel bad about ourselves! If only..... if I had......... Lots of ifs and no answers but certainly lots of bad feelings.
What you miss when you are thinking those thoughts is the most wonderful thing about your life- aliveness- what is aliveness to you? think about it - what makes you feel alive? Is it a place or person? Whatever or whoever it is- take a moment to give thanks because I am here to tell you it truly does not matter that you don't have what your neighbor has or that you made mistakes in your life..... the most important thing is that you are alive!
You can choose to spend your time wishing you were wealthier, prettier, more handsome, thinner and regretting that you did not take a certain job 10 years ago or that you did not apply yourself in college 20 years ago. Yes, you can choose to spend all your time, take up all your thoughts and have lots of bad and sad feelings about all you don't have. You CAN choose that-but you can also choose - from today on- be in the present- this present moment- this wondrous and mysterious present moment and find your happiness and contentment with what you have here and now - do we ever have anything else really?

Thinking about acknowledgement

When you are depressed or anxious it is easy, isn't it, to think about someone who may have wronged you. When was the last time you thought about someone who may have said maybe just one thing but this ended up helping you in your life.
I invite you think about it right now- I bet you will be able to come up with a variety of people-this person does not have to be a teacher or mentor, not even a good friend, but even in a short conversation at a party a person may say something that resonates with you - maybe they recommend a book that ended up helping you significantly... Now, this is the fun part- have you ever told them? Acknowledgment can be so meaningful to both you and the other person. Why don't you experiment with this- think of someone who has helped you or was particularly kind and give them a call and tell them. I can't imagine anyone who would not accept this with open arms! If we did this for each other we may need to go to a therapist like myself for assistance with self-esteem issues because we see who we truly are with acknowledgement. tell me what happens- I'd love to hear about it!

more thoughts on the "poop" blog

Several people have commented on my "poop" blog so I thought expounding on it may be a good idea. Throughout your lives you all have probably "stepped on dog poop". It the kind of thing that makes you say, "Oh shoot" or various other things in response.
It is what we do, or HOW WE THINK about this that is the most important thing. We can say, "I am so angry, I am going to find out whose dog did this!" or we can say, "This is a sign that I have not been a good person!" or we can say, "Where can I wipe this off because I have things to do!" We probably all know people who would do one of these things. What would you do?
Barbara Ehrenreich, who writes so well and astutely about culture and class just came out with a new book about how "positive thinking" may actually hurt us. Now I have not read the book but I listened to her on KQED. She was talking about how angry she was when she was diagnosed with cancer and how she did not feel safe saying she was angry because everyone was saying she was "supposed to think positively"... Well, back to the dog poop stuff... I say, get angry! of yes, if you want- but then think, "Do I want to spend this day angry?" I know I don't- anger to me sours everything.

rain, then not

Yes! It was raining and then it stopped. Perfect example of how things change always. This is certain- always certain- things change. When you are stuck you can absolutely believe, with all your heart, that things will never change- and isn't it true that they always do? Now.... sometimes, no matter what you do "things" don't change- that is only if you are waiting for someone else to change- now this is a different story- the only changes that happen are ones you can make yourself. again, you have all the power. this is cool .... and a lot of responsibility.

The benefits of noticing

I was running along a path today that is frequented by lots of dogs and their owners. One little dog was in the water and apparently was stuck! The owner noticed this, ran and got his dog out of the water quickly. The dog ran down the path like nothing had happened.
What if someone in your life needs some support or help? How do you know? Well, just like the above story the first, most important piece of this is Noticing. When we take notice of others as well as ourselves we can identify what is going on. We are often so busy we forget to Notice....
We can notice if a loved one is down, notice if we are not sleeping well, notice is we are more fatigued, noticed if a loved one needs our help.
Take a deep long breath right now and hold it for 3 seconds... breath out fully and then notice....everything

Some times we step in dog poop

After a run the other day I noticed I had stepped in dog poop! When I was thinking about it today I realized that what I did when I noticed the dog poop was much more important that the fact of it..... I cleaned my shoes off and moved forward.
Just like life- sooner or later you will, at some time, will step in "dog Poop" not literally but metaphorically. Things happen in our lives that we wish didn't. Our brains love to go over and over and over whatever happened and we get lost in our thoughts. Nothing changes because WE do not change how we think about whatever happened.

But there is always hope because all of us CAN change the way we think about anything. We have everything we need to do this. Next time you "step in poop" think about this.

help for sandwich generation

As I was running today I got to thinking about the Sandwich generation - those of you who are caring for an elderly parent or parents. It can be difficult to balance taking care of yourself and feeling good about it and at the same time caring for an elderly parent. So often you may feel guilty living a good comfortable life when you parents may be suffering or unhappy or ailing.
Or maybe you are working and trying to balance your own life and have the added pressure of making sure your parents are cared for.
Such IS our life, though. Balancing, always balancing- and knowing that caring for the self is the most important, fundamental piece of this marvelous life puzzle because it is only when we truly value ourselves can we be there for our loved ones.

Not taking anything for granted

It is another beautiful day here in Marin. We are so lucky to live in such a luscious place . So often we take this for granted because it is an integral part of our lives. If you are taking this for granted I invite you to think about this notion- not to judge yourself - judging ourselves are always non-productive- but to view this place in maybe a new light.

Do you go out and take hikes here? When is the last time you noticed the trees, the birds, heard the birds overhead or maybe noticed any wind or sun against your face? Do you ever go out on a trail alone to ponder these things?
When I hike alone, with no conversation with another I find I can see more and hear more of this wonderful place. Sometimes being only with yourself is a great way to appreciate all that you have. Even if you are having a difficult time.

Our changing thoughts and feelings

As I was doing my morning run I was thinking about how our feelings and thoughts are continually changing. What this means is that the way we feel one moment always shifts. When I work with clients who are depressed, it is common for them to think that nothing will ever change. When we start to become aware of all our passing thoughts and feelings we can start to see that everything changes. The sad feelings will change and shift.
What great news! We can always feel better.

Start noticing your thoughts and how they shift and change. You don't have to do anything, you don't have to judge anything... just notice... Always notice

More thoughts on Perseverance

I continue to think about how important it is to "continue trying". So many times we may want to give up, but the difference between success and failure may be that last push... But sometimes, and this is catch, sometimes, no matter how much we try, we may not be able to win. We may not be able to win the job, win the relationship... So what do we do then?...... Well, many years ago, when I was an undergraduate at San Francisco State I worked for a local newspaper selling advertising. I remember going over to my boss and being very frustrated... "They don't want to buy the ad space!", I said, after all my hard work... My boss looked at me squarely and said, "Good, now you know they don't want it, move on to someone else!!"
I learned something very important that day. Perseverance is so vital but at some point you have to let go and move on!

I am alive and so are you

I was awakened this morning by a single bird singing and as I ran on my morning run I thought about this bird and how it signified a wonderful thing- I am alive! How often do we forget about this fact, take it for granted, when it is the most important thing we have. This life. As I run on my favorite fire road I see tree after tree - they have been there for a long time. They have been viewed by so many people. How many times you have passed a tree, thinking about what is wrong in your life, thinking about your problems and forgot to look at the most important thing... your life...your aliveness. Go outside today and find a tree, any tree, it doesn't matter and see the tree, its leaves, any birds on the tree, and think- It is life and I am alive. I do this often and it grounds me and places me in the present moment. Try it.

More thoughts on perseverance

As I was running this morning I was thinking about how important Exercise has been in my life. In fact, I think it saved my life. 35 years ago I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. You probably know someone who has this autoammune disorder. Since that time I have been exercising regularly. Everyone talks about how exercise is great for keeping fit and of course this is true but there is substantial research that shows that exercise can help decrease disease and increase your health, both physically and mentally. I know this personally.
And getting back to perseverance- well..... I remember MANY times when I was feeling fatigued and in discomfort and I exercised anyway. I ALWAYS felt better. I persevered. When I assist my clients with developing successful WAYS of being, they can be assured I have tried and used all the tools and successfully myself. If I can do it they can! And they do.How cool!

Perseverance

I was thinking about the importance of perseverance in the face of difficult times. When we are overwhelmed with losses or difficult circumstances in our lives we may want to literally roll up in a ball and do nothing. It is much like "playing dead" that an animal might do when they are attacked. Playing dead, or rolling up in a ball are actually survival mechanisms! But when we are inactive for too long it is simply not a Successful survival mechanism. That is why Perseverance in the face of difficulty is so important.
When there is depression and sadness, one important way that a therapist like myself can diagnose this is asking the question, " Are you less active that you used to be, are you less motivated to get up and move to be involved with life?" We want to roll up in a ball, we want to lay in bed. This may be happening to you right now.
But when you persevere and get up anyway, and keep trying and keep Learning, you can feel better. I know this up and close personal.
Think of this word today and how you can keep on trying.