help for depression-changing your perspective

As I was hiking and running this morning I came upon two large rocks that I see on this trail every day. One rock is covered with a wonderful bright green moss, the other, because of its location is just covered with fallen leaves from the trees above. I began to acknowledge these rocks when I pass, touching them gently as I pass them. It made me think of a tale I heard lost ago about a man who felt empty, who felt there was no meaning in his life and was sitting by a stream one day. He noticed that a stream of water was constantly hitting on rock and had been doing so for many, many years and now there was an indent in the rock. He realized that even a rock can change when some force was pushing it to so he could change if he pushed himself- if he had the will, the motivation. He began to think differently about his life from that moment on and he became a very wise man.
If doesn't matter how long you have been sad, depressed, angry or defeated you CAN change when you change your perspective.

Ever wonder what a therapist actually does?

My brother has a love bird that is blind and it cannot fly. Its mate died years ago and this bird was stepped on by mistake. And my brother has this bird, who cannot see, by his side. And the bird won’t let my brother touch him even though he is blind and alone.. What a dilemma for both of them. This is what happens to us in life. We want closeness but we can’t bear to be close, we want love but we run from it. And we look out from the box of our own making, shaking ours heads because we don’t know how to fix it. That is when they may decide to see a counselor.
I see people who want better lives but are unable to see how to do it. They want to be close but they can’t, they want to feel happy but they won’t allow themselves. And they enter my office looking to me to give them something, anything, that they can take with them to help them. It seems to me sometimes a daunting task and a big responsibility.
As someone talks to me in my office on that first day I begin to get the feel for the person. I look at how they are telling me their story, what piece of their story they choose to tell me first, what piece may get left out until the very last moment of a session. All of this is important. I observe how they are sitting, how their body remains motionless or can’t stop moving as they tell me why they are in my office. I listen as they tell me their hope for our time together and the fears they have about their lives.
As they talk to me I feel patterns appearing in my head, the swirling patterns of lives lived and stories told the shocking similarities between the most different of people and the wonderful uniqueness of everyone I see. Patterns arise and a picture can appear of interconnected energies all feeding off of each other. My task is to try to separate and clarify what is really happening in that person’s life. It is most often not the thing that the person has turned to me to fix or cure. If only it were so simple.

help for depression-understanding the brain

Did you know that the brain likes the familiar? Did you ever wonder why you may notice that you do the same behaviors your parents did EVEN THOUGH you hated when they did it? well the brain got used to the interactions you had with your parents based on those behaviors and now, since the brain loves the familiar, you continue to do the SAME behaviors EVEN THOUGH they don't work in your life and the behaviors may make you depressed or anxious. As I have written many times in this blog, understanding this and becoming aware when you engage in the unsuccessful, ineffective behaviors will allow you the space to start thinking differently and actually change your brain. Remember, the brain likes the familiar, so if you begin to interact and think in a more positive way ON A REGULAR BASIS than THIS will become familiar to your brain and you will feel better,feel more successful in your life and certainly happier because things are working for you! It's all in the brain and its YOUR brain so you get to change it

Do you believe you deserve to be loved? help for depression

A few years ago a client walked into my office and said to me, "I was thinking today about how I really deserved to be loved". What a wonderful, positive thought. And of course it was true. But how many times have you thought negative thoughts like, "I am alone", No one loves me" "I don't deserve to be loved". These are common thoughts when one is depressed and feeling isolated. Negative thoughts take a life of their own and pretty soon you may be thinking the same negative thoughts over and over. These thoughts can cause further depression because what we think about affects how we see ourselves!.
So when my client walked into my office and said that they were thinking about how they deserved to be loved they were actually changing the way they thought about themselves.
Most people seek counseling because they don't feel good about themselves and they want to feel better. Thinking positively can help change the way you think about yourself. It is a powerful tool for change but it is not easy. You must be mindful when you are thinking negatively so you can change the negative thought to a positive thought. You deserve to be loved, you can be sure of that.

understanding the brain-help for depression

If you were able to look into your brain in the midst of depression or anxiety you would be able to actually see that your brain is not working optimally. The part of your brain that gives you perspective is not working correctly. You would be able to SEE why you are thinking the way you are thinking. When you are depressed, everything looks bleak. And when you think negatively a cycle is created that makes you think more negatively. And the cycle of negative thinking takes over. It is in control of you! How often have you thought, "I just can't control my negative thoughts". Well this is a common problem! The first, more important thing to do is to BECOME AWARE that you are having negative thoughts. It is amazing how often one can be in a very negative thought cycle and not even realize it!.
So being aware is the first step in changing your thoughts. And this is what you have to do and you CAN do- change your negative thinking. Becoming aware is the first step in a process of change. But I can assure you that you CAN change your negative thinking. And when you change your negative thinking your brain changes. You can have hope.

help for depression-acknowledge others

Have you ever thought about a thoughtful kind thing that some has done for you or a thoughtful thing someone has said to you and wondered," Maybe I should tell them" ... and you never get around to it? All you would have to do is pick up the phone, text this person or e-mail them and say "thanks" I am not talking about thanking someone for a big act but rather for something small, something that was said or done that was generous, kind, caring. Do you sometimes not even appreciate those small things?
These small moments are so important to appreciate and acknowledge. Especially if you are depressed or anxious you may forget, but the interesting thing about acknowledgment is that it can actually make you feel better. And since feeling acknowledged is a key part of feeling "seen" it will certainly feel good to the person you are acknowledging. I invite you try start.. you may never stop.

help for depression-understanding limits

Sometimes clients come to see me because they feel so overwhelmed in their lives. They are working full time, they have children they are caring for, more and more they are caring for their aging parents-They are very stressed but they don't even know where to begin. Something I learned a long time ago is that you cannot do everything and being everything to everyone.
What are your limits? Have you ever thought about that? Have you been taught that pushing yourself is a good thing? Well, maybe pushing oneself is a good thing because when we push ourselves we are challenging ourselves to do better and we can learn and grow and improve by this. Pushing oneself becomes a problem when you don't know when to stop, when you have spent so much time saying yes to everything and everyone that you don't know how to say No and you are afraid to say no because you don't want to disappoint anyone.
Learning to respect and understand your limits then becomes very important. Understanding that pushing yourself is positive but accepting your limits is even more important. When I say ACCEPTING your limits I do mean ACCEPTING because having limits that you are regretting or feeling bad or guilty about is just as stressful and unhealthy as not setting limits at all.
Part of being able to set and accept limits and about ACCEPTING YOURSELF as you are. Doing more more more is not better. You are OK the way you are.
Listen to your body- the stress of doing more and more weighs heavily on bodies literally-Do you eat more when you are stressed? Do you exercise? Do you take time to relax? Do you feel you DESERVE time to yourself? When you ACCEPT your limits this means you are stopping to take a breath and look around at this precious life. Once you stop, take a breathe, take one thing at a time the grip of "overwhelmness" has on you will loosen and you can begin to feel more in control of your life.

help for depression

Some people begin psychotherapy with the hope of becoming happy. But happiness can not be forced. Happiness is the result of changes one can make in one's life. What are important elements of change? Being in the present is most important. Being clear that the past cannot be changed and worrying about the future is a waste of precious time and energy can help you be in the present. Appreciating this present moment.... This is a good beginning... And looking at your life the way it truly is- not the way you yearn for it to be, are afraid that it is or wish it could be. How can you do this? Start by considering that the story you have about your life, that you tell yourself and others- MAY NOT BE TRUE!. Most of us think we are WHAT YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER TOLD YOU. Just because they said it doesn't make it true. You get to write your own story about who you are!
When you understand that the WAY YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS impacts how you feel and you have the power to change the way you thing about yourself, others and your relationships. This is very powerful in helping you change the way you feel.
When you can be present, write your own true story of who you are and understand that you have the power to change your thoughts....happiness can follow because you have made room for it- It is waiting for you.

the sandwich generation- help for depression

Are you part of the "sandwich generation"? This is the generation who is caring for their children as well as their parents... thus the expression,"sandwich". The most common feelings I hear from clients are the feeling of being overwhelmed and the feeling of being helpless. We are all so busy these days and it is not surprising that we may feel overwhelmed, helpless, stressed and sometimes depressed. What can you do about this? Well, with regard to your parents.. Are you a kind an loving child? Are you taking care of them to the best of your ABILITY? Are you taking care of YOURSELF? All these things are important. Taking care of yourself, continuing to have joy in your life is essential... otherwise you risk becoming a martyr.
All you have is today... Have you been kind and caring today to both your loved ones and yourself? If you haven't you can begin NOW. If you can say to yourself that you are kind to yourself today and kind to your loved ones, you can feel satisfied because the act of being kind can give great meaning to your life.

help for depression- in the face of suffering

My mother is out of the hospital but she is not out of the woods. I think of how important it is to be present with those we love- never forgetting to acknowledge our love, our empathy... and be present with our suffering when we see our loved one suffer because it is a fact of life. Suffering is part of life but it is not all of life. If we are present each moment, savoring life, savoring all that we have, our friendships, relationships, our health, our ability to get around, our ability to look up to the sky and see the birds, to hear them sing, to see the clouds form and change, to feel the wind against our skin, to close our eyes with gratitude that we are alive... we have this opportunity right now, even if there is sadness, loss, depression, anxiety we can all take a deep breathe .... do this now .... feel your aliveness - it is a true gift we are given- this aliveness, breathe and take it in, our beautiful gift we have been given.

we have an obligation to live-inspite of suffering

My mother has been the hospital for 2 weeks. Because of the consequences of diabetes she had both herleft leg and her right leg amputated. She survives. She choked on food and almost died and she survives. why do we want to live in this world? We often find that our will to live comes from knowing that other people love us and need us.
when we are depressed we forget all that but I am hear to tell you that knowing someone loves you is all you need to get past the most horrible physical and emotional pain in your life. sing the praises of love and be love, act love become love and you will survive.

Be here now!(sound familiar?)help for depression

It is raining today after many days of an almost early summer!
It rains, its sunny, its warm out, its cold... It is our Life! what are you doing this moment(or should I say, after you finish reading this?)Are you stuck in a negative mindset? Are you angry that your life has not turned out the way you imagined? Are you anxious or depressed about your life?
Every moment that you are stuck in the cycle of negative thinking is a moment that is taken out of your Life. When we think negatively we are not present. We are lost in our thoughts. In fact, our thoughts have taken control of us!
So now, in this moment, take a deep breath, breathing slowly in and slowly out. Feel your life breath and feel the power of your aliveness. Now close your eyes and imagine you are in a forest surrounded by trees, birds are singing, the sun is shining and you are safe. Open your eyes and you can be there any time. When you find yourself lost in negative thoughts imagine the forest, breath and refocus on your aliveness.

The sun is out! depression can lift!

Spring is within our sight! When I was out hiking I could feel it in the air. Time moves forward whether we want it to or not. Every moment we can make a choice how to live. When you are depressed or anxious, going through difficult times, it is hard to see or feel you have a choice because of the negative thoughts and sense of hopelessness you may feel.

When you go outside, spend time outside, hiking, walking through trees, listening to birds singing, you can come out of the negative thinking by focusing on the trees, the sky and the sound of the birds. Now I an not saying that taking a hike will lift anxiety or depression. I wish it was as easy as that. But being in nature can certainly take you out of your negative thinking for a short time, give you respite from feeling sad. Once you know you can feel better, even for a short time, you can turn nature regularly to assist you during difficult times. Try it... you may find it helps!

balance

Yesterday the sky was blue and the ferns on the trees where I run and hike had turned a glorious bright green from all the rain. I passed a woman who was accompanied by her very happy dogs. We exchanged hellos and she said,"Just being here could put anyone in a good mood!". I agreed! Balance. Always balance, the difficult things we have to do in life, care for an ill parent, take care of our own mental and physical health- this can be daunting... and then there is the trail in the woods with the wildflowers just blooming purple and red and the bright green ferns growing on the trees...

how to stay calm when a parent is in the hospital

This morning, early , I thought I heard the faint sound of my cell ringing in the other room, I was half awake and at 6:30 in the morning I know what it was going to be about. my mom...I laid in bed for a long while , until I saw some light come through my window. I needed all the sleep I could since I know that once I took the voicemail it would be the end of the calm of the night.
I finally got up and it was my mom's doctor telling me that they,at the geriatric facility when she lives in NY, had decided my mom needed to be hospitalized due to ongoing complications of diabetes. She just turned 83.
I spoke at length with with Dr who gave me her time and was kind. That is so important. I got to talk to my mom and she knew she was on the way to the hospital. Her voice was weak, not the strong voice of her youth, with her easy laughter.... she was vulnerable and afraid.
I was able to talk to her in the ER and she seemed ok there but it took me so long to get through to them. Frustrating for me. Throughout the day my key thoughts are twofold- self care so I can go on and thoughts of my mom- hard to balance those two. but both so important.

so much info-who can you trust?

the short answer to that is TRUST YOURSELF! We are often so afraid of trusting ourselves because of our parents' voices from far ago that may have lead us to feel unsure or insecure. The present is happening in this loving and compassionate moment and when you hold yourself in high esteem you are able to trust yourself. Listen- you have made it up until this point so this means you have resources- inner resources -you have drawn on in the past. The wonder of it all is that it is TODAY. TODAY commit to trust yourself TODAY commit to respect yourself and love, always love, with sincerity and authenticity...

help for depression-what happens when we get ill

It may surprise you that there are many people who you may interact with daily who have what I call, " a secret pain". These are people, it might be you, who have a chronic or reoccurring illness that is painful, scary, may incapacitate you, make you feel vulnerable, bring up issues of "who" you are , bring back painful memories..... Illness can do that to us. And there are thousands of people who have diseases, syndromes, disorders that no one can see. So often other people think they are "faking", they are "lazy" , it is "all in your head". And of course, those comments make things worse and even more painful.

If this is you or if you know someone who may have a "secret pain" know one thing- When you are faced with a situation that you cannot change- you CAN change the way you think about it. You CAN change the way you respond to insensitive comments or questions, You CAN set your boundaries about what you are willing to do and what you are not will to do. YOU have the POWER to do this. Please always remember this, in the midst of pain, discomfort, suffering and even dispair. I normally don't recommend myself in these blogs but I CAN help you these issues. Please call me. The consultation is without cost, and if you choose to see me in my office for psychotherapy I will help you with these difficult issues. I know about these issues personally.

help for depression-always keep on trying

I have thinking about what happens to us when we get ill. It is easy to feel depressed if you have pain, discomfort or even have to change your diet or lifestyle. After all, most of us have "a certain way of doing things" and it might be scary to think that you might have to change to way you live. It might be very scary! So what do you do? Well you could deny your pain, your illness and just take medications that may mask the pain.... or you can look at what you CAN control. How is your diet? How is your exercise regimen? how is your stress level? Are you reading? Learning? Growing? All THESE things are in your control. If you have not been eating the most healthy diet.... Change it! wouldn't you rather feel better than eat that piece of chocolate or have that drink? Maybe you don't like to stretch or exercise.... isn't it easier to learn how to do this than get addicted to pain medication?
Always look at what you can control and focus on those areas... Why waste your precious energy on being sad about what you cannot control? Life is here for you now!

The new year

Did you ever notice that just when one issue is resolved another arises? The interesting thing about this phenomenon is that this is called LIFE. I remember when I was little, I thought that once I grew up everything would "settle" into the "adult life". Our little brains cannot understand the complexities of adult life so it can actually be a shock when we realize that life is full of obstacles we have to overcome. But it is these obstacles that give us the opportunities to grow and learn. And as we learn and grow we get to experience our lives in a deeper more meaningful way.
There are times that are traumatic for us. As I wrote in prior blogs, the brain does change with these traumas so it will take longer for us to recover and heal.... but we CAN do this with the help of professionals and the support of people who love you. Our brain may tell us it will ALWAYS be like this.... but... I invite you to become aware of when you are thinking that something will "always" or something will "never" change. Start becoming aware of those words in your thinking.... And start changing the dialogue with yourself. This is the first step, the most important first step....

The Emotional Brain- help for depression

I have been watching a wonderful series on PBS I believe is called, "The Emotional Brain". If anyone is interested in understanding how their brain works and how the brain regulates thoughts and feeling I would highly recommend this. Go to PBS.org and check it out! Often when we are feeling depressed, anxious, afraid we are also confused, we can start thinking about why this is happening and most importantly when will this end! Well it seems that when we have depression, the part of the brain that regulates our sense of time and place and thus perpective, basically allowing us to put things in perspective, does not work well! In the cases of chronic depression the hippocampus(this is the area in the brain) actually SHRINKS. So now you know why it may be so hard to get perspective and hope for the future when you are depressed! BUT there is also research that the brain is pliable and we can, with positive thoughts change our brains!
So.... if you are depressed and you know WHY you are feeling hopeless, trust me, trust your loved ones, trust your therapist, you CAN feel better...
Take a deep breathe, allow this day to unfold and start to take action today. You can call me for a consultation , go back to the therapist you have liked in the past-you have the power to change the way you view your life.

help for depression- start with today

It seems only yesterday that 2009 arrived and now it is 2010. And what a year it was!
As we get older (and of course we all do!) the time goes by quicker and quicker. And then we look back and wonder where all the time went. Strange phenomenon!

Often when there is a look back there may be a sadness about maybe some things you did that you wished you hadn't done and all things you wished for that you did not have the time or were not in the position to pursue. All around us are decisions that we have to make.... pursue this, don't pursue that... Sometimes we are so afraid to give up the idea of something we can feel paralysed to move forward. The truth is that there are many things in life that we will never pursue, many things we have to give up because we have only so much time in our precious lives! And this can be depressing for many people... to give up a dream....But what DO you have have? This is the really important thing- do you treasure what you DO have or complain that you don't have something else? You can choose to do either. One can make you grateful the other can make you sad- What life do YOU want to lead- A sad life filled with all the things you did not get to pursue or a grateful live- seeing life fully as it is and appreciating what you have? You decide... And today you can make a decision to CHANGE the way you think about your life... And today you can continue to be present and enjoy the richness of life, the trees, the sun , the birds, your breath, loving and kindness.