it is what it is, or is it?

A friend of mine likes to say, "it is what it is" and I never quite got what that meant. Many people say this expression. In fact, it was listed on an internet survey as one of the top ten expressions that irritate people- I'm not alone!
What exactly does it mean anyway? Does it mean that one is resigned to things the way they are? Now there are some things that are the way they are- like one's height- and even this changes as we age. But when I hear people saying this it seems to sound like a resignation of some kind. Do we really want to give up? Now I know my clients are not a random sample of people but I can say that everyone I have ever seen in my work as a therapist sat across from me because- in spite of really wanting to give up- they don't- by being in my office they are saying- it is NOT what it is- I want to make changes! We humans want to grow, change, heal and love. Even when there is seemingly no hope. We can change the way we see ourselves, we can change the way we see others, we can change our expectations and our dreams and hopes.... it does not have to be "what it is"..

I am alive(still) and so are you!

How many times have you thought about things you wished you would have done differently? How often do you look at friends, relatives or neighbors and wish you had what they had? Regrets, Envy- these can be powerful ways to make ourselves feel bad about ourselves! If only..... if I had......... Lots of ifs and no answers but certainly lots of bad feelings.
What you miss when you are thinking those thoughts is the most wonderful thing about your life- aliveness- what is aliveness to you? think about it - what makes you feel alive? Is it a place or person? Whatever or whoever it is- take a moment to give thanks because I am here to tell you it truly does not matter that you don't have what your neighbor has or that you made mistakes in your life..... the most important thing is that you are alive!
You can choose to spend your time wishing you were wealthier, prettier, more handsome, thinner and regretting that you did not take a certain job 10 years ago or that you did not apply yourself in college 20 years ago. Yes, you can choose to spend all your time, take up all your thoughts and have lots of bad and sad feelings about all you don't have. You CAN choose that-but you can also choose - from today on- be in the present- this present moment- this wondrous and mysterious present moment and find your happiness and contentment with what you have here and now - do we ever have anything else really?

Thinking about acknowledgement

When you are depressed or anxious it is easy, isn't it, to think about someone who may have wronged you. When was the last time you thought about someone who may have said maybe just one thing but this ended up helping you in your life.
I invite you think about it right now- I bet you will be able to come up with a variety of people-this person does not have to be a teacher or mentor, not even a good friend, but even in a short conversation at a party a person may say something that resonates with you - maybe they recommend a book that ended up helping you significantly... Now, this is the fun part- have you ever told them? Acknowledgment can be so meaningful to both you and the other person. Why don't you experiment with this- think of someone who has helped you or was particularly kind and give them a call and tell them. I can't imagine anyone who would not accept this with open arms! If we did this for each other we may need to go to a therapist like myself for assistance with self-esteem issues because we see who we truly are with acknowledgement. tell me what happens- I'd love to hear about it!

more thoughts on the "poop" blog

Several people have commented on my "poop" blog so I thought expounding on it may be a good idea. Throughout your lives you all have probably "stepped on dog poop". It the kind of thing that makes you say, "Oh shoot" or various other things in response.
It is what we do, or HOW WE THINK about this that is the most important thing. We can say, "I am so angry, I am going to find out whose dog did this!" or we can say, "This is a sign that I have not been a good person!" or we can say, "Where can I wipe this off because I have things to do!" We probably all know people who would do one of these things. What would you do?
Barbara Ehrenreich, who writes so well and astutely about culture and class just came out with a new book about how "positive thinking" may actually hurt us. Now I have not read the book but I listened to her on KQED. She was talking about how angry she was when she was diagnosed with cancer and how she did not feel safe saying she was angry because everyone was saying she was "supposed to think positively"... Well, back to the dog poop stuff... I say, get angry! of yes, if you want- but then think, "Do I want to spend this day angry?" I know I don't- anger to me sours everything.

rain, then not

Yes! It was raining and then it stopped. Perfect example of how things change always. This is certain- always certain- things change. When you are stuck you can absolutely believe, with all your heart, that things will never change- and isn't it true that they always do? Now.... sometimes, no matter what you do "things" don't change- that is only if you are waiting for someone else to change- now this is a different story- the only changes that happen are ones you can make yourself. again, you have all the power. this is cool .... and a lot of responsibility.

The benefits of noticing

I was running along a path today that is frequented by lots of dogs and their owners. One little dog was in the water and apparently was stuck! The owner noticed this, ran and got his dog out of the water quickly. The dog ran down the path like nothing had happened.
What if someone in your life needs some support or help? How do you know? Well, just like the above story the first, most important piece of this is Noticing. When we take notice of others as well as ourselves we can identify what is going on. We are often so busy we forget to Notice....
We can notice if a loved one is down, notice if we are not sleeping well, notice is we are more fatigued, noticed if a loved one needs our help.
Take a deep long breath right now and hold it for 3 seconds... breath out fully and then notice....everything

Some times we step in dog poop

After a run the other day I noticed I had stepped in dog poop! When I was thinking about it today I realized that what I did when I noticed the dog poop was much more important that the fact of it..... I cleaned my shoes off and moved forward.
Just like life- sooner or later you will, at some time, will step in "dog Poop" not literally but metaphorically. Things happen in our lives that we wish didn't. Our brains love to go over and over and over whatever happened and we get lost in our thoughts. Nothing changes because WE do not change how we think about whatever happened.

But there is always hope because all of us CAN change the way we think about anything. We have everything we need to do this. Next time you "step in poop" think about this.

help for sandwich generation

As I was running today I got to thinking about the Sandwich generation - those of you who are caring for an elderly parent or parents. It can be difficult to balance taking care of yourself and feeling good about it and at the same time caring for an elderly parent. So often you may feel guilty living a good comfortable life when you parents may be suffering or unhappy or ailing.
Or maybe you are working and trying to balance your own life and have the added pressure of making sure your parents are cared for.
Such IS our life, though. Balancing, always balancing- and knowing that caring for the self is the most important, fundamental piece of this marvelous life puzzle because it is only when we truly value ourselves can we be there for our loved ones.

Not taking anything for granted

It is another beautiful day here in Marin. We are so lucky to live in such a luscious place . So often we take this for granted because it is an integral part of our lives. If you are taking this for granted I invite you to think about this notion- not to judge yourself - judging ourselves are always non-productive- but to view this place in maybe a new light.

Do you go out and take hikes here? When is the last time you noticed the trees, the birds, heard the birds overhead or maybe noticed any wind or sun against your face? Do you ever go out on a trail alone to ponder these things?
When I hike alone, with no conversation with another I find I can see more and hear more of this wonderful place. Sometimes being only with yourself is a great way to appreciate all that you have. Even if you are having a difficult time.